The tail end of a cruel joke…Awesome.

So, for all intents and purposes, I’m a writer.  I also have bipolar disorder and can’t seem to get out of this depression.  Well, an old friend decided to look me up a few month ago.  He, too, had decided writing was his passion.  We talked endlessly about the subject and even talked of writing a book together.  Our conversations inspired me to write.  Then just as quickly as he’d shown up, he disappeared.  Said he was having relationship issues and his girlfriend was jealous of the two of us having so much in common and made him sever all ties with me.  No big deal.  I can write a book by myself.  I did miss our conversations.

Well, just a few days ago, he contacted me again.  He actually came to my house!  We had a 20 minute conversation, I loaned him about $200 worth of books that if I don’t get back within the next 24 hours, there just might be bloodshed.  You see, the reason he only stayed 20 minutes was because he realized I wasn’t going to put out, and he went elsewhere.  So, all the talk of joining an art class, writing a book together, intellectual conversations?  FAKE.  I have too many issues he said to a friend of mine.  Well, I made him aware of all of my issues long before he came to my house.  I guess they’re just not believable unless you get a firsthand look at them.  Glad I could perform some type of entertainment for you, asshole.

Hunting season… Yay!!!

So, aside from coming right out and saying “I need you.  I don’t want to be alone” (which I pretty much did), killing a deer is more important.  And it’s only day 4.  I have to deal with this until Christmas?  Freaking awesome.  His last words?  “Call your girlfriend.  Have her come over.”  Um… we’ve been together a year.  You don’t know that I DON’T have ANY girlfriends?  What is wrong with this picture?  I know what’s wrong.  I’m just too afraid to admit it out loud or even to myself.  I’m not strong enough yet.  Maybe someday I will be, but definitely not right now.  Note to men…  Putting a deer before your girlfriend is just wrong.  We have passions too.  Do you even know what they are?  Probably not, because we put them aside when you come home, to give you our undivided attention.  But that’s the whole point.  Our time is limited as equally as yours.  If we could pursue our passion any time we wanted, we would.  But, we have to get things done, we have doctors appointments, we have school meetings, we have karate classes, we have other obligations.  Therefore, the things WE’RE most passionate about get put on the back burner.  So please don’t pour on the tears feeding us the famous “But it’s only a few months out of the year” crap.  It’s bullshit.  If you were even remotely invested in your relationships, you’d realize that life is happening all around you, but all you see is a tree stand and pray for that one deer.  What you fail to see is there are people who need you.  Right here, right now.  People who in MY opinion, should come before selfish desires.  How would you feel if you asked your girlfriend to stay home; you were feeling lonely and just wanted some one on one time, and her response was “But my mani and pedi coupon is going to expire soon.  Call one of your buddies.  They’ll come over and cheer you up.”  Your urge to go hunting is ruining whatever it is we have left.  I hope you realize that.  Distance.  It’s putting so much distance between us, that you have no idea who I even am.  That’s just wrong.  I get it.  It’s therapeutic. But what are you gaining by sitting in the woods for an hour of daylight, in the rain, where you KNOW you aren’t going to shoot a damn thing?  Time.  Time away from me.  That’s what you’re gaining.  Awesome.

And to the one person who I thought could change all of this?  Maybe you should have lowered your expectations?  It’s nice to see your back as you, too, walk away, ever so slowly, so as not to hurt my feelings.  Just fucking go already.  I’m done.

Do you really read what I write?

If not, it’s okay.  I’m not here to become famous, or to be found as some brilliant writer.  I come here to get all the negative crap off my mind.  I don’t expect anyone to absorb it, but maybe lend an ear, a piece of advice, that sort of thing.  I’ve never in my life been so vulnerable as I am right now, as it’s ALL out there.  For the world to read and judge.  But I don’t care, because it’s not in my head any longer.  Well, maybe in the very back of my mind, but definitely not in the forefront.  So, if you do read my blog, I thank you.  If you simply click the like button as a courtesy or sympathy like, please don’t feel that’s necessary.  It’s like even WP has turned into one big popularity contest.  I’m not into fame and fortune.  I’m just into being me, making new friends and getting through some really trying times.  I’ve lost friends and family over this stupid fucking diagnosis.  Crazy.  That’s what everyone calls me.  And yet, I haven’t done one single thing that could be called crazy.  Maybe stayed in an extremely toxic marriage for far too long, but that’s about it.  They call me crazy because they want to see me beat up and defeated.  Not going to happen.  I know I’m not crazy.  I’m different.  I’m an individual at the brink of embracing my individuality.  You don’t like it?  Call me crazy and then go suck it.  Your words can no longer hurt me.  Like I said… live a day in my head and I bet you won’t last an hour.  You’d be pushing 911 for all kinds of help wondering what the fuck is wrong with you, where I’ve got it all figured out.  I know when a panic attack is starting, how to get through it and how to fight the PTSD and the severe depression.  Hell, if I gave you my head for an hour, you’d probably kill yourself, hence making me so much more mentally in check than all of you who insist on calling me crazy,  So, again, suck it.  I’ve got this.  You’ve got name calling.  What are we? 5?  Grow up people.  Your words don’t effect me, but maybe you’ll say them to someone else who might not be as mentally strong as I am.  How are you going to feel if YOUR WORDS cause them to take their own life?  Think before you speak you ignorant idiots.

For those of you who do read… I wish you all the best.

~Crazy no more!!!!

Crazy Notion? Maybe…

I have decided that the images in my head are far too beautiful (and sometimes not so much) to keep locked away in there.  I want to learn how to sketch and draw, and then paint!  I have this creation in my mind but there’s a huge cement wall preventing what’s in my mind to transpire on paper.  What I end up with is nothing but an embarrassment.  So, if any of you are painters, sketch artists, draw for a living, please help me.  I can draw a stick figure and even that sucks.  I don’t want to get caught up creating pictures via some computer color by number program.  I have a sketch pad in my lap, pencils with erasers, and I’m ready to go.  I just don’t know how to get started.  I would love to capture the image in my mind right now, get it all on paper and then paint it.  That would be my new hobby!  So, if any of you have any experience at all and can help me along this new journey, any advice would be greatly appreciated.  Plus, I learned a few years ago, that art therapy really works!  Now… if only I could master the art of art…

Thanks in advance,

~Scarlet

My Bipolar episode is…

G.O.N.E. for now anyway.  I hate when it returns, as it gives me no advanced warning.  But, with the help of a low dose med and a great support system, I feel like I can finally function like a normal human being again.  I’m not locked up in a cage in my mind, and I’m actually contemplating learning how to draw/sketch/paint.  So, it looks like I’ve reached the end of yet another tunnel.  Thank God that’s over.

A new day…

I am not naïve enough to think that just because today was flawless, means tomorrow will mirror this moment.  If you haven’t already realized, I am one mentally fucked individual.  But that’s okay.  The thing that was driving me to the brink of crazy was trying to be “normal.”  I’m not normal.  I’m the exact opposite of normal, and I’ve accepted it, making me feel far more relaxed than I have in quite a long time.  And if you want my opinion, I think that’s what a lot of the problem is these days.  We’ve disregarded the fact that we’re all individuals.  Instead of embracing our individuality, we try so hard to fit in.  Somewhere… anywhere!!  We don’t want to be separate from the crowd.  Our comfort zone is belonging.  Well, I don’t belong anywhere, and that’s A, OK with me.  I’m an individual trying to just make it through another day in the life…  As are the rest of us.

Drumroll please…?

Yea… I don’t think the mood stabilizer is working.  My mood is out of control, to the point I almost got up and just left the house at midnight, because the tv was on and I couldn’t find the remote to turn it off.  I can’t sleep with the tv on and wait patiently for it to go off, but last night it seems the timer was set for 2 freaking hours when all my boyfriend needs is 10 minutes!  Come on… I take meds to make me go to sleep, and him keeping the tv on all damn night isn’t helping the situation any.

So, I went to the store and bought about 10 new books.  Then I found one I had ordered on Kindle.  So, my books are good. That’s how I’m spending my days… lost in someone else’s world.  That’s how much mine sucks.

Why ya gotta be so mean?

Okay…day 2 of my new meds and I have court tomorrow to determine my new increase in child support.  I’m not nervous because I fear it won’t go in my favor, but I am nervous to leave the house.  My ex on the other hand should be shitting his pants, as he never filed a petition when he went back to work full time, so we’ll take that retro pay too, thank you very much.  And he’s married now.  I have it in writing from his wife how much money she contributes to the family, so he’s going to go in there and lie, saying he’s the sole provider, not realizing I have it in writing from her that she helps toward the bills.  Um…can you say SCORE???  For me of course.

Now, knowing I’m on day 2 of the new meds and nervous about court, you’d think some people would be a little more empathetic.  Nope.  I simply asked that an electronic device be turned down and you’d think I slapped the person in the face.  I’ve never wanted to yell at a grown adult for throwing a very obvious temper tantrum in my life.  Grow the fuck up and get over it.  I asked a simple question.  “I was here first.” is not going to resolve anything, but thanks for your support. Uggghhh… me and people… we just don’t mesh very well.

Well, SOMETHING happened…

I sat outside and had a 3 hour conversation with my boyfriend last night, and it was during this conversation that something changed.  I confessed that I didn’t like me and didn’t see or understand how someone else could.  My boyfriend is a man of few words, but last night, he listed off several reasons as to why he loves me; sex being at the bottom of the list.  I’d be lying if I said a tiny piece of me was convinced he was only in this relationship for the sex.  He assured me last night that this is not the case.

I also told him that I’m always hyper and my body movements whether walking or talking reflect the movements of the rapid thoughts racing through my brain.  Instead of calling me crazy, he came up with an idea.  When we go out now, and he sees me walking fast or talking excitedly, he’s going to slow me down.  This way, I can get a better grip on the racing thoughts.  It feels like I fell in love all over again.

Today, I went to pick up the new meds (20mg of Latuda) and didn’t really feel the need to take them.  I did though.  Just in case this is just  temporary high due to our talk, or the euphoric high that comes with bipolar.  Regardless, I need some kind of back up plan, and so far so good.  I’m not allergic to it!  That’s a plus.  No swelling of the tongue, or any other body parts.  So, for today, life is good.  I cannot tell you all how much I appreciate your support.  I feel like I can better relate to all of you, because you KNOW exactly how I feel, where as those closest to me only know by what I tell them.  So, thank you all for being my cheering section.  It is very much appreciated.  I think I’m going to go back to my original blog and try to writing again, only positive stuff this time.

Two Choices… Coin toss?

So, I make my monthly med visit with my psychiatrist today, and since she doesn’t take my insurance, and I’m paying cash for the visit, I have to be as blunt as possible, as quickly as possible. Bottom line?  I’m stuck.  Bipolar disorder is supposed to be one extreme to the other with no in between.  I don’t want to be on medication, but I don’t want to feel like this either.  I am stuck in this depression that I just can’t get myself out of.  So, she offers me two choices, as she can clearly see I’m getting worse and worse by the day.  1.  I start a new, very low dose of a mood stabilizer. If I stay in the place my brain is currently residing, the next thought pattern I will be stuck in is suicide.  I definitely don’t want to get there.  Or… 2.  I voluntarily admit myself into the hospital I once went to years ago, where I know they will automatically give me a mood stabilizer as soon as I sign their “Guest Book.”  I’ve opted for the mood stabilizer, as I don’t have anyone to watch my son while I’m away for a week or two.  So, fucking shoot me.  I tried.  I tried as hard as I could to get through this without relying on ANY meds whatsoever.  I’m now spending my days on the couch crying for no reason, and feeling absolutely worthless.  I give up.  I need help.  Some people are disgusted by the though that I would resort to such measures (filling my body with poison) but, those people haven’t even considered what it might be like to live an hour in my fucking head.  I hate myself.  I don’t believe I’m capable of being loved.  I’ve expressed these things, and still, resorting to medication is comparable to fucking the devil himself.  Well, thanks for the support.  Thanks for lending me an ear.  Thanks for making me feel like absolute shit when I need YOUR strength the most.  I will begin this new medicine tomorrow, and I’m curious to see how vastly different my posts become once my mood is stable.  I am not crazy.  I am making a reasonable decision based on the fact that I can no longer go on feeling like I do while being a good mother.  So, hate me, hate my decisions.  Whatever.