My Dilemma…

I’ve got all this “stuff” in my head, and no one to talk to about it.  I’ve got health insurance, but no doctor will accept it.  I am on disability due to my mental instabilities, and yet there are no therapists willing to see me.  So, this is where you all come in.  I know I can’t get this stuff out of my head permanently, but what’s the difference between talking to a therapist and writing to all of you?  Most of you can relate, where a therapist only knows through books and other patients.  You can’t prescribe me the meds I need, but I’ll figure something out.  I swear sometimes they approved my disability, knowing full well no doctor would see me, and maybe I’d off myself, and I’d be one less person they have to pay.  Well, suicide isn’t an option.  I WILL get through this, with or without the help of a doctor.  I can’t tell you how many phone calls I’ve made in the last week alone.  For every “No” I hear, I sink a little bit deeper.  So, I’ve given up.  I went to my primary and he suggested a few more, but I just don’t have it in me to hear that dreaded “No” anymore.

On a positive note…  I was sitting outside with my boyfriend last night, having our usual evening conversations about our day.  He was doing all the talking of course, because if I so much as opened my mouth I knew I was going to cry.  He stood up in front of me and said he didn’t like seeing me like this one bit.  What could he do to make me feel better?  He said “You’ve got such a big, beautiful smile.  It lights up any room.  You have no idea! I want to see that again.”  Now, how could I not smile?  After all the crap I’ve been handed, I now have the real thing.  Someone who wants me to be happy; someone who cares enough to notice that I’m not my usual self; someone who genuinely loves me and all of my “craziness.”  Someone who gets me.  Finally…  I don’t fear him in the least.  I’ve even tested him out of my own stupidity.  Never would he raise a hand to me, and I can bet my life on that.  That’s not the kind of man he is.  I do feel sorry for the first person who pushes him past his breaking point.  He’s no joke.  He has severe anger issues due to the sudden, unexpected passing of his perfectly healthy child.  He’s not one I’d ever intentionally piss off if I were a man.

So… that’s it for today.  My dilemma, but I’m trying to focus on the good things as well.  Balance I guess.

Hope you all have a great day!!

~Scarlet

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The world as I know it can be unkind, therefore ALL comments have to be moderated. I apologize for the inconvenience.

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