Two Choices… Coin toss?

So, I make my monthly med visit with my psychiatrist today, and since she doesn’t take my insurance, and I’m paying cash for the visit, I have to be as blunt as possible, as quickly as possible. Bottom line?  I’m stuck.  Bipolar disorder is supposed to be one extreme to the other with no in between.  I don’t want to be on medication, but I don’t want to feel like this either.  I am stuck in this depression that I just can’t get myself out of.  So, she offers me two choices, as she can clearly see I’m getting worse and worse by the day.  1.  I start a new, very low dose of a mood stabilizer. If I stay in the place my brain is currently residing, the next thought pattern I will be stuck in is suicide.  I definitely don’t want to get there.  Or… 2.  I voluntarily admit myself into the hospital I once went to years ago, where I know they will automatically give me a mood stabilizer as soon as I sign their “Guest Book.”  I’ve opted for the mood stabilizer, as I don’t have anyone to watch my son while I’m away for a week or two.  So, fucking shoot me.  I tried.  I tried as hard as I could to get through this without relying on ANY meds whatsoever.  I’m now spending my days on the couch crying for no reason, and feeling absolutely worthless.  I give up.  I need help.  Some people are disgusted by the though that I would resort to such measures (filling my body with poison) but, those people haven’t even considered what it might be like to live an hour in my fucking head.  I hate myself.  I don’t believe I’m capable of being loved.  I’ve expressed these things, and still, resorting to medication is comparable to fucking the devil himself.  Well, thanks for the support.  Thanks for lending me an ear.  Thanks for making me feel like absolute shit when I need YOUR strength the most.  I will begin this new medicine tomorrow, and I’m curious to see how vastly different my posts become once my mood is stable.  I am not crazy.  I am making a reasonable decision based on the fact that I can no longer go on feeling like I do while being a good mother.  So, hate me, hate my decisions.  Whatever.

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13 Comments

  1. Do not beat yourself up for making the decision to try meds. Some of us actually NEED meds. I went for many years without taking anything. My depressive episodes were 18-months long, and my manias were horrendous. The meds life is not perfect, but I can tell you that my episodes are less severe, and they last for shorter periods. I rarely have depression. I still struggle with different levels of mania, but at least I can function “a little” when I’m manic. I hope it all works out for you.

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  2. Sigh, I swear there are some bat shit crazy people out there, some illnesses need medication, and at the end of the day, you gotta do whats right by you and ya kid. Here in the UK it’s normal to be medicated for bi-polar, in fact it is the go to solution, no one (ok almost) batters an eye lid. I do know a few people though that think it’s all mind over matter, these are the people that I consider to be, fucking bat shit crazy! The fact that you have chosen to try the lower dose, means that you are in control of it, not the other way round. I hope they help. You will come out the other side.
    Hugs and stuff!

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