So, I make my monthly med visit with my psychiatrist today, and since she doesn’t take my insurance, and I’m paying cash for the visit, I have to be as blunt as possible, as quickly as possible. Bottom line? I’m stuck. Bipolar disorder is supposed to be one extreme to the other with no in between. I don’t want to be on medication, but I don’t want to feel like this either. I am stuck in this depression that I just can’t get myself out of. So, she offers me two choices, as she can clearly see I’m getting worse and worse by the day. 1. I start a new, very low dose of a mood stabilizer. If I stay in the place my brain is currently residing, the next thought pattern I will be stuck in is suicide. I definitely don’t want to get there. Or… 2. I voluntarily admit myself into the hospital I once went to years ago, where I know they will automatically give me a mood stabilizer as soon as I sign their “Guest Book.” I’ve opted for the mood stabilizer, as I don’t have anyone to watch my son while I’m away for a week or two. So, fucking shoot me. I tried. I tried as hard as I could to get through this without relying on ANY meds whatsoever. I’m now spending my days on the couch crying for no reason, and feeling absolutely worthless. I give up. I need help. Some people are disgusted by the though that I would resort to such measures (filling my body with poison) but, those people haven’t even considered what it might be like to live an hour in my fucking head. I hate myself. I don’t believe I’m capable of being loved. I’ve expressed these things, and still, resorting to medication is comparable to fucking the devil himself. Well, thanks for the support. Thanks for lending me an ear. Thanks for making me feel like absolute shit when I need YOUR strength the most. I will begin this new medicine tomorrow, and I’m curious to see how vastly different my posts become once my mood is stable. I am not crazy. I am making a reasonable decision based on the fact that I can no longer go on feeling like I do while being a good mother. So, hate me, hate my decisions. Whatever.