Do you really read what I write?

If not, it’s okay.  I’m not here to become famous, or to be found as some brilliant writer.  I come here to get all the negative crap off my mind.  I don’t expect anyone to absorb it, but maybe lend an ear, a piece of advice, that sort of thing.  I’ve never in my life been so vulnerable as I am right now, as it’s ALL out there.  For the world to read and judge.  But I don’t care, because it’s not in my head any longer.  Well, maybe in the very back of my mind, but definitely not in the forefront.  So, if you do read my blog, I thank you.  If you simply click the like button as a courtesy or sympathy like, please don’t feel that’s necessary.  It’s like even WP has turned into one big popularity contest.  I’m not into fame and fortune.  I’m just into being me, making new friends and getting through some really trying times.  I’ve lost friends and family over this stupid fucking diagnosis.  Crazy.  That’s what everyone calls me.  And yet, I haven’t done one single thing that could be called crazy.  Maybe stayed in an extremely toxic marriage for far too long, but that’s about it.  They call me crazy because they want to see me beat up and defeated.  Not going to happen.  I know I’m not crazy.  I’m different.  I’m an individual at the brink of embracing my individuality.  You don’t like it?  Call me crazy and then go suck it.  Your words can no longer hurt me.  Like I said… live a day in my head and I bet you won’t last an hour.  You’d be pushing 911 for all kinds of help wondering what the fuck is wrong with you, where I’ve got it all figured out.  I know when a panic attack is starting, how to get through it and how to fight the PTSD and the severe depression.  Hell, if I gave you my head for an hour, you’d probably kill yourself, hence making me so much more mentally in check than all of you who insist on calling me crazy,  So, again, suck it.  I’ve got this.  You’ve got name calling.  What are we? 5?  Grow up people.  Your words don’t effect me, but maybe you’ll say them to someone else who might not be as mentally strong as I am.  How are you going to feel if YOUR WORDS cause them to take their own life?  Think before you speak you ignorant idiots.

For those of you who do read… I wish you all the best.

~Crazy no more!!!!

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10 Comments

  1. Every time some idiot tries to play the “crazy card” on me, I start singing my Patsy Cline imitation, “Crazy, I’m crazy for feelin’ so lone-leeeee…..” Which establishes that I embrace and honor my craziness, which I’ve had for 61 tough years now, and I don’t expect it will let up at this point. I manage it, as you eloquently described, and so far I’ve stayed out of hospitals for 13 years, tfoo tfoo (Jewish superstition, ignore if you want). I revel in making stigma mongers feel sooooo stupid, which is good because they are.

    Hang in there, and like my dear departed pathology professor said, “Don’t let the bastards wear you down.”

    Like

      • Have you had that conversation with him yet? My psychiatrist gave me a great tool both for my own understanding of my illness and for explaining it to others, including small children. It goes like this: Some people have sensitive stomachs, and there are things they can’t eat and it can make them sick, right? And some people have sensitive lungs and maybe they are allergic to something and they have an asthma attack. And they have an inhaler, right? And they probably take other medicines at home to keep their lungs healthy. And some people have sensitive brains, and they are much more aware of many things that can make them scared or angry, and maybe sometimes they cry or maybe even yell. And people with sensitive brains usually take medicines that make them feel better. But sometimes, just like our friend who has the asthma attack, a sensitive brain can get sick even though its owner is doing all the right things to keep healthy. So that is not a “crazy attack,” it is a “sensitive attack,” and it will go away eventually.

        So I have learned this from my shrink, and I customize it according to the situation. You can have a conversation like this with your son, and then confide in him that it causes you pain when someone uses the “crazy” word, even if they don’t mean exactly that, and you would love to live in a world without that word.

        That being said, of course everyone is going to continue using the hated word, so maybe desensitization therapy….(irony font here)

        Like

  2. I’ve been reading your blog too – I only “like” blog posts I read, and while I had aspirations of commenting with every “like”, I’ve been too exhausted from life to do it, as much as I hoped I would. Please never take a lack of comment personally! I’m rooting for you all the way.

    Like

The world as I know it can be unkind, therefore ALL comments have to be moderated. I apologize for the inconvenience.

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