Hunting season… Yay!!!

So, aside from coming right out and saying “I need you.  I don’t want to be alone” (which I pretty much did), killing a deer is more important.  And it’s only day 4.  I have to deal with this until Christmas?  Freaking awesome.  His last words?  “Call your girlfriend.  Have her come over.”  Um… we’ve been together a year.  You don’t know that I DON’T have ANY girlfriends?  What is wrong with this picture?  I know what’s wrong.  I’m just too afraid to admit it out loud or even to myself.  I’m not strong enough yet.  Maybe someday I will be, but definitely not right now.  Note to men…  Putting a deer before your girlfriend is just wrong.  We have passions too.  Do you even know what they are?  Probably not, because we put them aside when you come home, to give you our undivided attention.  But that’s the whole point.  Our time is limited as equally as yours.  If we could pursue our passion any time we wanted, we would.  But, we have to get things done, we have doctors appointments, we have school meetings, we have karate classes, we have other obligations.  Therefore, the things WE’RE most passionate about get put on the back burner.  So please don’t pour on the tears feeding us the famous “But it’s only a few months out of the year” crap.  It’s bullshit.  If you were even remotely invested in your relationships, you’d realize that life is happening all around you, but all you see is a tree stand and pray for that one deer.  What you fail to see is there are people who need you.  Right here, right now.  People who in MY opinion, should come before selfish desires.  How would you feel if you asked your girlfriend to stay home; you were feeling lonely and just wanted some one on one time, and her response was “But my mani and pedi coupon is going to expire soon.  Call one of your buddies.  They’ll come over and cheer you up.”  Your urge to go hunting is ruining whatever it is we have left.  I hope you realize that.  Distance.  It’s putting so much distance between us, that you have no idea who I even am.  That’s just wrong.  I get it.  It’s therapeutic. But what are you gaining by sitting in the woods for an hour of daylight, in the rain, where you KNOW you aren’t going to shoot a damn thing?  Time.  Time away from me.  That’s what you’re gaining.  Awesome.

And to the one person who I thought could change all of this?  Maybe you should have lowered your expectations?  It’s nice to see your back as you, too, walk away, ever so slowly, so as not to hurt my feelings.  Just fucking go already.  I’m done.

Advertisements

Want to feel better? Lower your expectations.

I’m 36. I’ve had these dreams and expectations ever since I was a child, and every year, they are never met.  I have, over the years, learned to have NO expectations.  If I have none, I can’t be let down, and MAYBE one day I’ll be pleasantly surprised.  Maybe one day, someone will say all the things I want him to say and do the special little things I want him to do, that make me feel as though I actually mean something.  I’m so tired of being in relationships where I’m nothing more than sex.  Oh and because I have a child, I’m met with the constant eye roll, as my child is more of a burden to these men.  Well, my son is my first priority.  He and I are attached at the hip.  If you don’t accept him, you can’t possibly fully accept me.  And each day that passes I learn that I’m really nothing more than a means for each man I’ve ever loved to relieve tension (in the bedroom).  So, I guess my heart is nothing more than a toy.  Awesome.  But, as each day passes, my walls get stronger and taller.  Maybe someday I’ll a person who is willing to knock them down altogether.  Someone who will do nice things for me AND my son, just because.  Because we mean something to him.  Because he wants me to know that he loves me.  Because he wants to be responsible for that “Light up the room” smile on my face.  Maybe…  But until then, I’ve accepted that these are things I am just never going to have.  And that’s okay, because I have my son.  We are very close, and I cherish our relationship more than any other.  I do things for him ALL THE TIME, to teach him to do the same for someone else someday.  I want my son to be a gentleman.  I want him to treat a woman the way most every woman wants to be treated.  He doesn’t have to be a straight A student, or excel in ANYTHING.  As long as he’s happy with himself and he gives life his very best, I’m happy with him.

So… the question of the day is: Do you want to be more happy?  If so, than lower your expectations.  Don’t have any.  The fairy tale wedding you dreamed of?  Not going to happen.  The man who fulfills every fantasy you’ve ever had?  Doesn’t exist.  The need you have to feel wanted and valued?  Nope… you can forget about it.  If you do this, there is no possible way you could ever be let down.

P.S.  This is especially for you Sammie, in the hopes that you’ll one day read my blog.

The Stalker and the Sociopath #5

This man I met on line, ultimately was the cause of my first and only mental break down.  He made promises he never kept, he was totally unreliable and when I called him out on it, he’d place all the blame on me.  He moved here from the opposite coast, lasted a week, and left me when I was in a very weak state.  I went to my therapist letting her know how I felt and she was strongly hinting to me to go back to the mental hospital.  It’s not that easy.  I’m a single mom.  I can’t just assume that my family is going to stop their lives to take care of my son.  I know they would if I asked them, but I’m also aware of how unfair this is.  I’m a grown adult.  I should know how to get my shit together, without having to rely on others.

So, here’s what happened.  He finally (after 2+ years of promises) arrives and starts having his things shipped.  Awesome right?  Well, the first night went kind of smooth, but then he expected things of me, that I wasn’t used to.  I had to prepare all his meals a certain way, I swear to God the man is the biggest diva I’ve ever met.  As the days go by, I start to realize I made a huge mistake, and there’s no getting out of this.  He moved across the country to be with me.  My doctor put me on a very low dose of Depakote, and I had a SEVERE allergic reaction.  I don’t remember at least 30 days of my life (but maybe that’s not such a bad thing).  Instead of bringing me to the hospital, while I’m passed out in the bedroom, my mother’s on the phone with the doctor, he’s packing up all his shit.  Yup.  That was it.  He said “I didn’t sign up for this.”  Well, for the record, I didn’t sign up for a diabetic diva who insisted on a diet of chocolate and ice cream who went 7 days without brushing his teeth.  OMG how disgusting?!  The man has diabetes and I later find out he accused me of stealing his meds.  Now, if I’m already aware that my body is highly sensitive to meds, why on earth would I take his?  And they’re nothing more than sugar pills!  It’s not like I’d get a high off of them.  But, that’s what he wanted everyone to believe.  I was stealing his meds to get high.  I will swear on my son that there is absolutely no truth to his accusations, but could you blame me if it were true?  I don’t drink, and I don’t use any recreational drugs (I’m allergic to pot too).  So no.  This was not the case.  It was how he established a friendship with my ex husband, so that he could constantly get info on me.  Can you say PATHETIC?!  And what a surprise it was to find out that instead of going home, he took advantage of his mother’s friend who lives in the area, and spent several nights at Yankee Stadium, while I was slowly breaking.  And this is his definition of a man…

You’ll have to forgive me, but there are days that I honestly don’t remember.  Two weeks after the initial reaction, I was freaking out, thinking I had some kind of brain damage. It took quite awhile to get hat shit out of my system, and that is why I’m so hesitant to try anything else.

It was during this time that my ex took me to court and asked for custody of my son. how could I dispute this?  I couldn’t even sign my name.  I was in no condition to raise a child and thought my son’s father was finally stepping up to the plate.  He didn’t have my son for 2 months, when I got a call from my son’s teacher.  She said my son was being neglected, and knew I wasn’t in a good place, but asked if there was anything I could do.  My mom and I decided we had no other choice.  We had to get him back.  Mind you, my mother and I were sharing a one bedroom apartment at the time; I was sleeping in her dark, damp, musty basement on a twin size bed.  Something had to be done.  So, I applied for disability and in the meantime I got myself a pretty good job.  My ex dropped off my son and all of his belongings one night, completely unannounced.  This was before he’d even received the paperwork I filed with the court!  He said it was for the best.  Him and his girlfriend were going to be breaking up and he needed to save that relationship.  What a guy.  Choosing some skank over your son.  I’ll never forgive him for that.

I was working for a few months when this young man (the sociopath, and I don’t mean this in a joking manner AT ALL) entered the store on a cold, snowy day, saying he had kittens he needed to get rid of.  Well, I think I already mentioned the whole concept of life… it’s a series of tests.  I was being tested again and I failed miserably.  Oh, what a sweet man he was.  One day while I was off, a co-worker of mine told him I thought he was cute and gave him my number.  We went out a few times, but I don’t think we were ever official.  He called and begged me to please talk to him after I ended it, but I ignored his attempts and he eventually went away (unlike the stalker who is STILL trying to get into my computer).  However… before we broke up, I showed up at his garage to let him know that I was currently being tested for what could be a fatal blood disorder and that I was having severe problems and pain in my left kidney.  I get kidney stones quite a bit and they’re still trying to solve that.  Well, he was in a bad mood and decided to fight with me.  He mentioned not really giving a shit about my problems, and really pissed me off.  It was like nothing else mattered.  He was pissed off because his ex was looking for child support.  He could barely make ends meet himself and this bitch had the audacity to look for money from him?  Well, he was livid!  Just because he helped make a baby (3 total) why should he have to pay too?  Life is just so unfair! And I got to see a side of him that he swore he never possessed.  As I turned to leave, I got a steel toed boot to my left kidney and as I was dropping to the ground, a knee to the side of my head AND an upper cut (totally thought that was all just movie stunts).  Then I opened the door to my truck to call the police and he slammed my arm in the door causing tendon damage.  I was once again, very scared and very alone.  No one was around to help me.  I had to get myself out of this situation but I had no idea how.  I had no idea who this man was standing in front of me.

Just like when I was 16, I knew I had to remain calm, de-escalate the situation, and then I could get away.  He went to get his cigarettes so I jumped on the chance.  I hopped in my truck, started it and before he knew what was happening, I was out of there.  I met the local police at my work and filed a complaint, but didn’t have him arrested.  He screamed at me TO have him arrested.  He wanted a break.  He wanted no responsibilities, 3 meals a day, a place to sleep, etc.  Hind sight.  Reverse psychology and it worked.  But it’s on record and if he comes near me ever again, I won’t turn my back to him and maybe I’ll get the chance to do to him what he did to me.  That’s all I want.  Justice.

I don’t know what makes these assholes, who like to slap their girlfriends around, seem so appealing to me.  They certainly don’t come out and say this.  They’re actually very sweet in the beginning and I am very naïve.  I try to see the good in everyone.  And I guess in doing so, I’m a magnet for abusive boyfriends.

I decided once we were over that I was going to give dating a break for awhile.  I needed to focus on my son and nothing else.  I was lonely, but that wasn’t going to kill me.  Then one day, I had a nice conversation with a girl who I thought was my friend.  I did a lot for her.  I gave her my Ford Explorer because she was without a vehicle and also gave her $700 to help her pay her bills.  She then asked me to borrow $300 to put down on her house.  Her and her husband were trying to buy it, but they needed a down payment.  ( I later found out that she went camping that weekend and needed the money for gas and food.  Again…naïve.) She put it in writing that she’d pay me back, but then I didn’t hear from her for a long time.  I decided to text her one day, and asked if she could do me a favor.  She said “That depends.”  I told her I value her friendship more than the money, and I missed her.  I felt like she was avoiding me because she knew she owed me money.  So, I said I’d call us even if she’d agree to stop avoiding me.  Of course I haven’t heard from her since, BUT… she was the one who introduced me to the man I’m with today.  And that, my friends, is for tomorrow as I have run out of writing time.