Why ya gotta be so mean?

Okay…day 2 of my new meds and I have court tomorrow to determine my new increase in child support.  I’m not nervous because I fear it won’t go in my favor, but I am nervous to leave the house.  My ex on the other hand should be shitting his pants, as he never filed a petition when he went back to work full time, so we’ll take that retro pay too, thank you very much.  And he’s married now.  I have it in writing from his wife how much money she contributes to the family, so he’s going to go in there and lie, saying he’s the sole provider, not realizing I have it in writing from her that she helps toward the bills.  Um…can you say SCORE???  For me of course.

Now, knowing I’m on day 2 of the new meds and nervous about court, you’d think some people would be a little more empathetic.  Nope.  I simply asked that an electronic device be turned down and you’d think I slapped the person in the face.  I’ve never wanted to yell at a grown adult for throwing a very obvious temper tantrum in my life.  Grow the fuck up and get over it.  I asked a simple question.  “I was here first.” is not going to resolve anything, but thanks for your support. Uggghhh… me and people… we just don’t mesh very well.

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Who I am versus who I’d like to be

It has been said that everyone has anxiety.  That’s why I felt normal growing up.  I thought everyone felt the same way I did.  I just couldn’t understand how they maintained their composure, and I was constantly running to the bathroom.  So, as an adult, I now watch my friends go out, whether to dinner or the grocery store, without any hesitation.  I wonder what that feels like…  I see pictures posted on Facebook of groups of people going out, spending time together, either at someone’s house or out some place and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t envious.  I’d love to be a part of that group, but being an introvert with all these mental issues certainly isn’t helping the situation.  I’ve come to realize that I can only handle socialization in tiny bits.  That’s why I don’t normally invite people over.  How exactly do you invite someone to your house and then after a short while say “Okay…I’ve had enough.  You have to leave.”?  It’s so much easier to just be here alone.  So many people take their mental health for granted.  I can bet my life that if all of those people who have called me crazy had to last one day in my head, they wouldn’t make it past the first hour.  It’s not that I’m not comfortable in my own skin…I’m not comfortable in my head!  All the things I’m constantly saying to myself without realization.  The constant tornado ripping apart anything that even comes close to a normal thought.  I know…positive affirmations.  And I know they work.  But when you fuck everything up so much, it’s kind of hard to convince yourself that you’re a good person.  That you have any value; that you actually mean something to someone.

I have resorted to inspirational reading.  My head might not be in the right place most of the time, but I want my soul to be.  I can feel myself evolving because I’ve changed my perception.  However, changing your perception when you’re having a bipolar episode is extremely hard to do.  So, for today, I truly wonder what normal feels like.  To wake up and not secretly, desperately yearn for a Xanax the moment you open your eyes.  To hold a steady job where you aren’t constantly taking a break to get through a panic attack; to just get in your car and go somewhere without any hesitation.  I cannot look ahead on the calendar.  If I know I have an appointment coming up, whether for myself or my son, I’m on edge until the day arrives.  Once it’s over, I could sleep for a week.  So tell me…  What DOES it feel like to be normal?  To be able to do all of the above and then some without anxiety as your shadow?  Without the fear of just having to get away take over without any notice; without panicking about upcoming appointments…  What does it feel like to be normal?

And… it starts.

So, my neighbor comes over and asks if I have quarters she can borrow so she can do laundry.  Of course I do.  I give her the quarters but she sits… with her 3 year old.  Then she comes up with this brilliant idea that I go shopping with her.  She just has to get a few things.  Will I please, please, please go to the store with her?  What part of “I DON’T LIKE TO LEAVE MY HOUSE!” is so hard to comprehend?  Knowing she’s going to bug me until I say yes, my anxiety has spiked, I already feel sick, and I don’t think I’ll be able to produce anything worth reading today.  Why????  Why does this shit have to happen to ME?  Why was I the chosen one to be blessed with all of these freaking issues??  Why can’t people understand that I just want to be left alone, in my own comfort zone, away from the monsters of the world?  And in the meantime, I’ve still yet to find a doctor who will accept my insurance, making things progressively worse.  So, I guess the question is… how in the world can I be optimistic when there is a tornado whipping through my head?  I can’t form a single coherent thought, as my mind is overcome with this pending trip.  I trust her.  She’s a very good friend and has been for a long time.  I know that if I say I have to go; I have to get out of this store, she’ll leave.  So, why all this totally unnecessary  panic?  I just don’t get it.  I have sworn off Xanax during the day and I’m getting through each minute on my own.  It freaking SUCKS!!  And NOW, since the anxiety is sitting nice and comfy in my brain, I can feel my stomach bubbling, which ultimately means I’m going to be physically ill for the remainder of the afternoon.  So… I guess this is crazy.  Welcome to my  head.

For those of you following…

I fully intend to pick up where I left off, but as those of you with mental illness(es) can relate, today was a very trying day for me.  Going back in time has proven to be extremely difficult, opening up old wounds.  I feel extremely vulnerable putting it all out there, and since doing so, have discovered a few things about myself that I didn’t previously know/realize.  Many thanks to BoldKevin for his continuous, daily support.  It is because of him that I’m going to start a 30 day mental illness awareness challenge, and maybe I’ll learn even more about me.  However, in the meantime, I need to take a break from all of this, as it has caused me to sink… deeper than I had anticipated.  I’ll stay in touch… just need to take a breather.

~Scarlet

The college years… #4

I opted not to go to college immediately after high school because I didn’t know what I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing.  Instead, I worked, and got much closer to by best friend.  He proposed to me on my birthday and 6 months later we were married.  We were kids, without a clue.  I felt sorry for him because he grew up in a home with name calling and constant yelling.  He used to come to my house just for the solitude.  I knew from day one he was a small boy trapped in a man’s body.  I did the best I could to encourage him, but the damage his parents had caused him was irreparable.  He was miserable and slowly taking me down with him.  We were married for just about 10 years when everything started falling apart.  I will take 50% of the blame, but if you ask him, it’s ALL my fault.  You see, we had a child shortly after we were married, and at no point in time did he express any interest in being a father.  Of course, when family would come over, he’d play the part, but as soon as they left, he was back to his normal self.  Sad, because at 11 years old, my son now has abandonment issues.  He’s so confused.  Why doesn’t my dad love me, but he loves all these other kids (1 step son and 2 more of his own that he plays a very active role in their lives).  His father recently said some pretty nasty things to him, and has yet to apologize, and although I tell my son it’s not good to hate anyone, he insists he hates his father.  I try to explain that we can hate words and actions, but not people.  As human beings we’re entitled to make mistakes.  My son says his father has made too many.  The most recent?  Getting married and not even calling to try to ask our son to attend the wedding.  I’m not a therapist, but my son has a good one.  I’m going to leave this in his hands.  My son has a deep-rooted dislike for his father and it’s not fair of me to say that’s not allowed.  Perhaps one day he’ll understand.  Fighting, yelling, screaming, name calling, physical abuse to toughen the boys up… that’s all his father knows.  How can we be mad at someone for not being educated?

So, the theme of this particular blog is going to be…  The universe gives us tests.  If we fail, those tests will keep reappearing unless or until you pass.  I think his father just failed another test.  However, I am guilty of the same.

As our marriage started to collapse, I met a man (once again, on-line) through a mutual friend.  When he found out my husband had 2 cell phones and I didn’t have one, and I walked the dogs alone at night, the first thing this man did was send me a cell phone.  I thought it was a kind gesture.  I now see it was a way to keep track of me.  He’d monitor my texts and outgoing calls, etc.  At the end of the month, he’d want to know who this number belonged to, etc.  I thought it was a bit strange, but he was doing me a huge favor, as I wasn’t comfortable being out in the dark, alone.

My husband knew of this man, and of the phone.  He just chalked it up to one less bill he’d have to pay.  What he didn’t know was this man was very slyly turning me against my husband, and I fell for it all.  He’d send gifts, and make promises that since our friendship was so tight, he’d never allow anything to happen to me or my son.  Apparently he was a very wealthy  man (lie), but his promises to me gave me the courage to finally say I’m done.  I want a divorce.

Now, I should point out that at no point in time did we ever have a strong marriage.  We started out declaring bankruptcy, because my husband had a $600 a week crack habit I was unaware of.  He relapsed shortly after my son was born.  My best girlfriend at the time was living on the first floor of the house we were living in and we were on the second floor.  My son’s first memorial day, the two snuck off into the bushes and had sex.  I got a double whammy!  My 2 best friends did the unthinkable and hurt me in a way no one ever has.  I’ve forgiven them both, as a means for me to move on, but it’s something I’ll never forget.  I decided to forgive my husband, for the mere fact that I could not raise this child on my own (or so I thought) and we moved an hour away.  Then things got even worse, because he was one of those “Keeping up with the Joneses” types.  Everything our neighbors did, he had to do, putting us into even more debt.  So, the only way I can describe our marriage is as a handful of tiny pebbles.  Instead of being the rock it was supposed to be, it was fragments of rocks, slowly trickling through my fingers, until I had nothing left to hold on to.

One night, as I was giving our son a bath, I had apparently angered him about something.  He stormed into the bathroom and began choking me, right in front of our son.  I’ve never heard my son talk about this, and I pray to God he was too little to remember, but him doing this sealed his fate.  I had told him my life story.  he knew I was a victim of abuse, and here he was, all 6’10”, 250lbs, choking me.  I was fat and lazy, and according to him stayed home eating Bon Bon’s all day while he went out to support us all.  Now, mind you, I was still suffering from all of these diagnoses, they just hadn’t been diagnosed yet.  I was in a constant state of fear, and that’s no way to live.  I wanted to die.

My husband left the night I told him I wanted a divorce, and went right to my sister’s house.  He returned to get more things later in the evening, and had a contract for me to sign.  It stated he was leaving because I was crazy and he couldn’t stand living under these conditions any more, and that it should in no way be seen as him abandoning his son.  The witness?  My lovely sister.  She walked into my house, and thank God I was on the phone with my father, because if I wasn’t, I think she’d still be trying to recover from her injuries.  I told her 3 times to get out of my house.  She refused unless or until I signed the contract.  I laughed at their little pact and their contract, and got them out.  I read the contract to my father and he was very specific in saying “Don’t you dare sign anything.”  Then he got me a really good lawyer.

My ex has 2 more years to go before he has to begin making maintenance payments.  At one point I promised him I wouldn’t go after him for that, but my lawyer wouldn’t let him off without some kind of payment.  I’d been a stay at home mom for most of our time together, and she was determined that I get something.  I told him to just sign the papers and we could be done.  So, after everything he’s failed to do for my son, my son is owed that money, and I will be going after it.  And what’s even better is that there is a specific time line he has to pay it by.  Poor guy .  He’s now married to my best friend and they have 2 small boys together.  He’s drinking like a fish and has a big beer belly.  My son says that on the days he has gone over to visit his father, both his father and his step mother have been violent to all the kids (baby’s mind you) to toughen them up.  This disgusts my son and me as well.  But it’s their life now.  It’s called Karma, but it’s pronounced HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.  I would have done anything for that man, and he knows it.  Now he’s stuck.  He has confessed on a couple of occasions how unhappy he is, but again…this is his test.  I can’t go giving him the answers; nor do I even have the desire.

Now, the on-line man?  Oh, the empty promises he made were priceless.  You see, he wasn’t wealthy at all.  It’s his parents (whom he’s still living with at 47 years of age) who are wealthy.  He moved here and lasted a week.  I discovered real quick that I made a huge mistake and went over to my mom’s to confide in her.  It happened to be my birthday weekend and he wanted to take us all out to dinner (his mother was sending him $2,000 a week to ensure his survival).  Knowing full well I have anxiety issues and don’t like to leave my house, I suck it up and just go out and do it.  Doesn’t this little freaking diva pitch a fit over pasta sauce?!  Making a scene in the whole restaurant.  I was mortified.  I was depressed.  I was stuck.  I made a huge mistake and I didn’t know how I was going to fix it.  My doctor prescribed a very low dose of Depakote which I had a severe allergic reaction to.  While I was out of it, he packed his things and moved back home with his parents.  Opposite coasts, but still not far enough away.  And this is where the stalking begins…  But, I’ve got to run, so I’ll write about him later.  Oh, he’s a peach!  Can’t wait <again, sarcasm>.

 

Until next time,

~Crazy No More smile

 

awareness

 

When it all started… #1

I was 7 years old when I had my first panic attack.  My mom assumed it was me just having car sickness as we were driving at the time.  They have been with me on a daily basis ever since.  Seven is unusual for panic attacks to present themselves, as they usually show up in the late teen years.  However, I was also 7 years old when the boy down the street sexually abused me on a pretty regular basis as well.  So, I can see the correlation.

I had conversations with my mom about the way I felt (my anxiety) and she said everyone has anxiety.  So, in my 7 year old mind, everyone felt the way I did.  Add to that the thought that the sexual abuse was my fault too.  That’s a pretty big burden for a 7 year old to be carrying around.

No one ever mentioned anxiety, I wasn’t taken to a doctor.  I don’t even think there was such a diagnosis at the time.  So, I grew up alone inside and very afraid.  Not much has changed.  I could be in a room full of people, and because of all my diagnoses, still feel very much alone.  It’s only others who suffer from mental illness that I can really relate to.  And my boyfriend.  He’s the first person in my life (aside from my parents) to educate himself on all that’s wrong with me, and he accepts me for who I am.

Anger and hatred are learned behaviors.  I learned them early on when I got made fun of for being different.  When I hear of people snapping and going on a killing spree, I get it.  Others sit back and say “How could they?”  Are you really that blind?  Obviously the person doing the killing was in need of help.  Help he or she wasn’t being offered.  I snapped too…  I didn’t kill anyone, but we all react differently.  I cannot tell you how many times I’ve contemplated taking my own life, because my ex’s had me convinced I was nothing but a burden to my family.

Then I changed my perception.  I started reading books on the power of positive thinking, being optimistic, etc. and I’m so grateful that I never followed through.  I have so much life inside of me!  There are places I want to go and things I want to do.  They kicked me while I was down, and I believed them.  Now?  Now I look at them and know they both need mental help.  But, since I’m not a doctor, there’s not much I can do.  I will not call them names.  I will not make fun of them or their mental illness.  I will however stand my ground and defend myself.  If you have to hide behind a fake email account and leave me anonymous hate mail, I have no use for you.  I ignore you. I don’t absorb your words or your negativity at all.  You see, it’s because of your taunting and name calling that I’m so much stronger, so I guess a thanks to you both are in order.  My determination is far stronger than your attempts to break me.  Yup.  I may be mentally ill, but I’m mentally stronger than the two of you combined.

I am exhausted.  I would love to write more, but this past week has been very trying.  I’m going to take a nap now, but possibly be back later.  I’ll pick up right where I left off.  I’d like you all to get a sense of what living inside of my mind on a daily basis is like.  I would like this to be a real experience for all of you, so that you are in fact educated.  Maybe you don’t realize how much damage YOU are doing by calling someone crazy, or making fun of someone who is severely depressed. If this blog helps ONE person, whether through education or because they can relate, my job here is done.

Until then, for those of you suffering, please know that daily positive affirmations do in fact work, and you should start practicing them RIGHT NOW.  A diagnosis does not define you unless you allow it to.  What is your passion in life?  Start focusing on THAT and remove any and all negativity from your life.  You are here for a  reason.  There’s a plan in place for you.  You just have to figure out what that is.

Love Always,

~Crazy No More  smile

awareness

 

The door to my soul is officially opened…

I have spent years being called every name in the book.  For many of those years, I actually believed I was all of these horrible things (crazy, mad, lunatic, freak, etc,) until not so long ago.  I met a new doctor who helped me determine that I am NONE of these things.  I’m an individual (society isn’t comfortable with individuality) and I am unique, as I can promise you, you’ll never meet anyone like me.  I don’t possess any super powers, although I was born with a gift.  Occasionally I receive messages from people who have passed.  I’ve learned that this is not something I can get rid of.  I’ve tried to ignore it, and it worked for a long time.  However, after all these years, it’s still right here.  It just stays dormant until I decide to embrace it.  So, I went out on a limb and passed along a few messages and if they weren’t all 100% accurate, I’d have to say maybe I am a little crazy.  I have also been the brunt of several cruel jokes about mental illness.  The sole purpose of this blog is to shed some light on mental illness and educate people.  I’m not shy.  I’m not shy at all.  In fact, I’m a bit of a social butterfly…with social phobia.  Awesome.  Good one Universe.  Good one.  I have panic attacks everyday, depression when it feels like stopping by and hanging around for a while, PTSD, major anxiety, Bi-polar disorder, agoraphobia and the curse of being extremely naïve.  Yup… I wear my heart on my sleeve and welcome everyone, until they cross me.  In today’s day and age, it really should be the other way around, but what can I say?  Maybe it’s my desperation for company.  Maybe it’s because I’d like to think that there are still some good people in the world.  I’m old enough to know better but young enough to care.  Please… know that I’m determined to remain “single” until the day comes where I can acknowledge I fully know myself.  Unless or until that day, I can’t be bothered trying to figure someone else out, or solve their problems.  I apologize if that comes off as rude, but I have yet to  meet a single person  to date who doesn’t have ulterior motives.  So, if you are at all interested in learning about mental illness, buckle your seatbelts.  I can promise you it’s going to be one hell of a ride!