G.O.N.E. for now anyway. I hate when it returns, as it gives me no advanced warning. But, with the help of a low dose med and a great support system, I feel like I can finally function like a normal human being again. I’m not locked up in a cage in my mind, and I’m actually contemplating learning how to draw/sketch/paint. So, it looks like I’ve reached the end of yet another tunnel. Thank God that’s over.
I sat outside and had a 3 hour conversation with my boyfriend last night, and it was during this conversation that something changed. I confessed that I didn’t like me and didn’t see or understand how someone else could. My boyfriend is a man of few words, but last night, he listed off several reasons as to why he loves me; sex being at the bottom of the list. I’d be lying if I said a tiny piece of me was convinced he was only in this relationship for the sex. He assured me last night that this is not the case.
I also told him that I’m always hyper and my body movements whether walking or talking reflect the movements of the rapid thoughts racing through my brain. Instead of calling me crazy, he came up with an idea. When we go out now, and he sees me walking fast or talking excitedly, he’s going to slow me down. This way, I can get a better grip on the racing thoughts. It feels like I fell in love all over again.
Today, I went to pick up the new meds (20mg of Latuda) and didn’t really feel the need to take them. I did though. Just in case this is just temporary high due to our talk, or the euphoric high that comes with bipolar. Regardless, I need some kind of back up plan, and so far so good. I’m not allergic to it! That’s a plus. No swelling of the tongue, or any other body parts. So, for today, life is good. I cannot tell you all how much I appreciate your support. I feel like I can better relate to all of you, because you KNOW exactly how I feel, where as those closest to me only know by what I tell them. So, thank you all for being my cheering section. It is very much appreciated. I think I’m going to go back to my original blog and try to writing again, only positive stuff this time.
So, I make my monthly med visit with my psychiatrist today, and since she doesn’t take my insurance, and I’m paying cash for the visit, I have to be as blunt as possible, as quickly as possible. Bottom line? I’m stuck. Bipolar disorder is supposed to be one extreme to the other with no in between. I don’t want to be on medication, but I don’t want to feel like this either. I am stuck in this depression that I just can’t get myself out of. So, she offers me two choices, as she can clearly see I’m getting worse and worse by the day. 1. I start a new, very low dose of a mood stabilizer. If I stay in the place my brain is currently residing, the next thought pattern I will be stuck in is suicide. I definitely don’t want to get there. Or… 2. I voluntarily admit myself into the hospital I once went to years ago, where I know they will automatically give me a mood stabilizer as soon as I sign their “Guest Book.” I’ve opted for the mood stabilizer, as I don’t have anyone to watch my son while I’m away for a week or two. So, fucking shoot me. I tried. I tried as hard as I could to get through this without relying on ANY meds whatsoever. I’m now spending my days on the couch crying for no reason, and feeling absolutely worthless. I give up. I need help. Some people are disgusted by the though that I would resort to such measures (filling my body with poison) but, those people haven’t even considered what it might be like to live an hour in my fucking head. I hate myself. I don’t believe I’m capable of being loved. I’ve expressed these things, and still, resorting to medication is comparable to fucking the devil himself. Well, thanks for the support. Thanks for lending me an ear. Thanks for making me feel like absolute shit when I need YOUR strength the most. I will begin this new medicine tomorrow, and I’m curious to see how vastly different my posts become once my mood is stable. I am not crazy. I am making a reasonable decision based on the fact that I can no longer go on feeling like I do while being a good mother. So, hate me, hate my decisions. Whatever.
This has definitely been a bipolar month. I was down for quite a bit, then angry, and now here comes the euphoric happiness. I so badly wish there was a magic pill that would keep me in the same mood for the majority of the time, but since I’m allergic to everything, I’ll pass, and just keep on keeping on. It’s tough… probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. The mood swings come without any warning, and the anxiety that accompanies it certainly doesn’t help. Panic for absolutely no reason. People in my house, doctor appointments, karate, school meetings… it is all so overwhelming when all I want to do is be left alone. I snap at those I love, yet they continue to stand by me. I lash out for no reason, and they just take it. I want someone to fight back. I’m actually looking for a fight! But…they all know this, and they all step back and give me space and time to cool off. God… I don’t know that I could live with me, if I was them. I give them all a lot of credit as I know I’m not a day in the park to be around sometimes. I guess the good times outweigh the bad. That’s why they’re still here. Because they know this anger is temporary and soon we will be happy again.