Well, SOMETHING happened…

I sat outside and had a 3 hour conversation with my boyfriend last night, and it was during this conversation that something changed.  I confessed that I didn’t like me and didn’t see or understand how someone else could.  My boyfriend is a man of few words, but last night, he listed off several reasons as to why he loves me; sex being at the bottom of the list.  I’d be lying if I said a tiny piece of me was convinced he was only in this relationship for the sex.  He assured me last night that this is not the case.

I also told him that I’m always hyper and my body movements whether walking or talking reflect the movements of the rapid thoughts racing through my brain.  Instead of calling me crazy, he came up with an idea.  When we go out now, and he sees me walking fast or talking excitedly, he’s going to slow me down.  This way, I can get a better grip on the racing thoughts.  It feels like I fell in love all over again.

Today, I went to pick up the new meds (20mg of Latuda) and didn’t really feel the need to take them.  I did though.  Just in case this is just  temporary high due to our talk, or the euphoric high that comes with bipolar.  Regardless, I need some kind of back up plan, and so far so good.  I’m not allergic to it!  That’s a plus.  No swelling of the tongue, or any other body parts.  So, for today, life is good.  I cannot tell you all how much I appreciate your support.  I feel like I can better relate to all of you, because you KNOW exactly how I feel, where as those closest to me only know by what I tell them.  So, thank you all for being my cheering section.  It is very much appreciated.  I think I’m going to go back to my original blog and try to writing again, only positive stuff this time.


Pill Popper!!! Takes the cake!

Of all the names I’ve been called, this one is by far the absolute best!  You see, I go to a therapist, and we discuss how I’m feeling.  Maybe my depression is kicking in hard core or my bipolar is acting up.  Whatever the reason, my therapist, my doctor prescribes me a new medicine to make the pain go away, along with regular therapy sessions.  Not knowing what the reactions might be to these newly prescribed meds, we sit back and wait.  Well, it has been discovered that my body doesn’t like medicine…at ALL.  I’m allergic to just about everything.

There was a moment in time when I was prescribed a very low dose of Depakote.  Within minutes of taking my first dose, the allergic reaction set in.  I lost 30 days of my life!  I don’t remember a single thing of the following 30 days, and that was ONE dose.  What if I had taken a second dose?  Or a third?  I’d be dead.  That’s would have happened.  Thank God I had someone with me who noticed the reaction and called my doctor right away.

Now, is it MY fault that the doctors want to fix me and use medicine to do so?  Is it MY fault my body can’t tolerate most meds?  Is it MY fault that I have been nothing but a lab rat to doctors and pharmaceutical companies for years?  No.  So instead of seeing the situation for what it truly is, the ignorant assholes of the world find it so much easier to call me a crazy pill popper.

Now, for the record, taking into consideration all that’s wrong with me, the ONLY medications I put in my body are Xanax at bedtime to shut off my brain, as it never goes to sleep voluntarily, and an occasional pain pill as I’ve got 2 blown shoulders which require replacement surgery but I’m too young for any doctor to approve the surgeries.  So, rest assured, I am NOT a pill popper.  I have voluntarily removed myself from the long list of prescription meds and am dealing with life one on one.  I’m facing my fears by MYSELF.  Exposure therapy.  It sucks.  It’s scary as hell sometimes, but I’m doing it.  I hate leaving the house, my comfort zone, but if I don’t, I don’t get a chance to experience life.  I’m not a doctor!!!  If you are on meds and they are working for you, stay on them.  I did what I did because it was what was right for ME.  Everyone is different.  I don’t want to have to rely on meds to get me through my days.  I spent years on Paxil.  The first week I took myself off, I felt like I had been a zombie the entire time I was on it.  I didn’t realize this while I was taking it though.  I discovered it after I stopped taking it.  I’m no longer signed up to be a lab rat.  I’ve accepted that I have issues and that life sucks most of the time, and I’m okay with that.  I’ve never had a stress free day as my anxiety is permanently set to the highest mode possible.  But… I’m doing it.  I’m living my life, I’m making mistakes, I’m learning and I’m not depending on drugs to get me through any of my days. 

So, to those of you who just LOVE to call me a crazy pill popper?  Suck it!  I’ll piss in a cup any day just to prove you all wrong.  But have you ever stopped to think  about what your comments might do to a person such as myself who is constantly struggling to stay afloat with all of the issues?  Does it make you feel good to belittle someone who is struggling so?  What DOES it do for you?  Because honestly?  What other people think of ME is none of my business.  I’ve learned how to ignore you ignorant idiots.  But perhaps other people with similar disorders haven’t learned this yet.  Are you at all aware that YOUR ignorance might be the cause of someone taking their own life?  Again…educate yourselves before you open your mouths.  You aren’t hurting MY feelings, but what are you doing to someone else?