Hunting season… Yay!!!

So, aside from coming right out and saying “I need you.  I don’t want to be alone” (which I pretty much did), killing a deer is more important.  And it’s only day 4.  I have to deal with this until Christmas?  Freaking awesome.  His last words?  “Call your girlfriend.  Have her come over.”  Um… we’ve been together a year.  You don’t know that I DON’T have ANY girlfriends?  What is wrong with this picture?  I know what’s wrong.  I’m just too afraid to admit it out loud or even to myself.  I’m not strong enough yet.  Maybe someday I will be, but definitely not right now.  Note to men…  Putting a deer before your girlfriend is just wrong.  We have passions too.  Do you even know what they are?  Probably not, because we put them aside when you come home, to give you our undivided attention.  But that’s the whole point.  Our time is limited as equally as yours.  If we could pursue our passion any time we wanted, we would.  But, we have to get things done, we have doctors appointments, we have school meetings, we have karate classes, we have other obligations.  Therefore, the things WE’RE most passionate about get put on the back burner.  So please don’t pour on the tears feeding us the famous “But it’s only a few months out of the year” crap.  It’s bullshit.  If you were even remotely invested in your relationships, you’d realize that life is happening all around you, but all you see is a tree stand and pray for that one deer.  What you fail to see is there are people who need you.  Right here, right now.  People who in MY opinion, should come before selfish desires.  How would you feel if you asked your girlfriend to stay home; you were feeling lonely and just wanted some one on one time, and her response was “But my mani and pedi coupon is going to expire soon.  Call one of your buddies.  They’ll come over and cheer you up.”  Your urge to go hunting is ruining whatever it is we have left.  I hope you realize that.  Distance.  It’s putting so much distance between us, that you have no idea who I even am.  That’s just wrong.  I get it.  It’s therapeutic. But what are you gaining by sitting in the woods for an hour of daylight, in the rain, where you KNOW you aren’t going to shoot a damn thing?  Time.  Time away from me.  That’s what you’re gaining.  Awesome.

And to the one person who I thought could change all of this?  Maybe you should have lowered your expectations?  It’s nice to see your back as you, too, walk away, ever so slowly, so as not to hurt my feelings.  Just fucking go already.  I’m done.

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Want to feel better? Lower your expectations.

I’m 36. I’ve had these dreams and expectations ever since I was a child, and every year, they are never met.  I have, over the years, learned to have NO expectations.  If I have none, I can’t be let down, and MAYBE one day I’ll be pleasantly surprised.  Maybe one day, someone will say all the things I want him to say and do the special little things I want him to do, that make me feel as though I actually mean something.  I’m so tired of being in relationships where I’m nothing more than sex.  Oh and because I have a child, I’m met with the constant eye roll, as my child is more of a burden to these men.  Well, my son is my first priority.  He and I are attached at the hip.  If you don’t accept him, you can’t possibly fully accept me.  And each day that passes I learn that I’m really nothing more than a means for each man I’ve ever loved to relieve tension (in the bedroom).  So, I guess my heart is nothing more than a toy.  Awesome.  But, as each day passes, my walls get stronger and taller.  Maybe someday I’ll a person who is willing to knock them down altogether.  Someone who will do nice things for me AND my son, just because.  Because we mean something to him.  Because he wants me to know that he loves me.  Because he wants to be responsible for that “Light up the room” smile on my face.  Maybe…  But until then, I’ve accepted that these are things I am just never going to have.  And that’s okay, because I have my son.  We are very close, and I cherish our relationship more than any other.  I do things for him ALL THE TIME, to teach him to do the same for someone else someday.  I want my son to be a gentleman.  I want him to treat a woman the way most every woman wants to be treated.  He doesn’t have to be a straight A student, or excel in ANYTHING.  As long as he’s happy with himself and he gives life his very best, I’m happy with him.

So… the question of the day is: Do you want to be more happy?  If so, than lower your expectations.  Don’t have any.  The fairy tale wedding you dreamed of?  Not going to happen.  The man who fulfills every fantasy you’ve ever had?  Doesn’t exist.  The need you have to feel wanted and valued?  Nope… you can forget about it.  If you do this, there is no possible way you could ever be let down.

P.S.  This is especially for you Sammie, in the hopes that you’ll one day read my blog.