The college years… #4

I opted not to go to college immediately after high school because I didn’t know what I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing.  Instead, I worked, and got much closer to by best friend.  He proposed to me on my birthday and 6 months later we were married.  We were kids, without a clue.  I felt sorry for him because he grew up in a home with name calling and constant yelling.  He used to come to my house just for the solitude.  I knew from day one he was a small boy trapped in a man’s body.  I did the best I could to encourage him, but the damage his parents had caused him was irreparable.  He was miserable and slowly taking me down with him.  We were married for just about 10 years when everything started falling apart.  I will take 50% of the blame, but if you ask him, it’s ALL my fault.  You see, we had a child shortly after we were married, and at no point in time did he express any interest in being a father.  Of course, when family would come over, he’d play the part, but as soon as they left, he was back to his normal self.  Sad, because at 11 years old, my son now has abandonment issues.  He’s so confused.  Why doesn’t my dad love me, but he loves all these other kids (1 step son and 2 more of his own that he plays a very active role in their lives).  His father recently said some pretty nasty things to him, and has yet to apologize, and although I tell my son it’s not good to hate anyone, he insists he hates his father.  I try to explain that we can hate words and actions, but not people.  As human beings we’re entitled to make mistakes.  My son says his father has made too many.  The most recent?  Getting married and not even calling to try to ask our son to attend the wedding.  I’m not a therapist, but my son has a good one.  I’m going to leave this in his hands.  My son has a deep-rooted dislike for his father and it’s not fair of me to say that’s not allowed.  Perhaps one day he’ll understand.  Fighting, yelling, screaming, name calling, physical abuse to toughen the boys up… that’s all his father knows.  How can we be mad at someone for not being educated?

So, the theme of this particular blog is going to be…  The universe gives us tests.  If we fail, those tests will keep reappearing unless or until you pass.  I think his father just failed another test.  However, I am guilty of the same.

As our marriage started to collapse, I met a man (once again, on-line) through a mutual friend.  When he found out my husband had 2 cell phones and I didn’t have one, and I walked the dogs alone at night, the first thing this man did was send me a cell phone.  I thought it was a kind gesture.  I now see it was a way to keep track of me.  He’d monitor my texts and outgoing calls, etc.  At the end of the month, he’d want to know who this number belonged to, etc.  I thought it was a bit strange, but he was doing me a huge favor, as I wasn’t comfortable being out in the dark, alone.

My husband knew of this man, and of the phone.  He just chalked it up to one less bill he’d have to pay.  What he didn’t know was this man was very slyly turning me against my husband, and I fell for it all.  He’d send gifts, and make promises that since our friendship was so tight, he’d never allow anything to happen to me or my son.  Apparently he was a very wealthy  man (lie), but his promises to me gave me the courage to finally say I’m done.  I want a divorce.

Now, I should point out that at no point in time did we ever have a strong marriage.  We started out declaring bankruptcy, because my husband had a $600 a week crack habit I was unaware of.  He relapsed shortly after my son was born.  My best girlfriend at the time was living on the first floor of the house we were living in and we were on the second floor.  My son’s first memorial day, the two snuck off into the bushes and had sex.  I got a double whammy!  My 2 best friends did the unthinkable and hurt me in a way no one ever has.  I’ve forgiven them both, as a means for me to move on, but it’s something I’ll never forget.  I decided to forgive my husband, for the mere fact that I could not raise this child on my own (or so I thought) and we moved an hour away.  Then things got even worse, because he was one of those “Keeping up with the Joneses” types.  Everything our neighbors did, he had to do, putting us into even more debt.  So, the only way I can describe our marriage is as a handful of tiny pebbles.  Instead of being the rock it was supposed to be, it was fragments of rocks, slowly trickling through my fingers, until I had nothing left to hold on to.

One night, as I was giving our son a bath, I had apparently angered him about something.  He stormed into the bathroom and began choking me, right in front of our son.  I’ve never heard my son talk about this, and I pray to God he was too little to remember, but him doing this sealed his fate.  I had told him my life story.  he knew I was a victim of abuse, and here he was, all 6’10”, 250lbs, choking me.  I was fat and lazy, and according to him stayed home eating Bon Bon’s all day while he went out to support us all.  Now, mind you, I was still suffering from all of these diagnoses, they just hadn’t been diagnosed yet.  I was in a constant state of fear, and that’s no way to live.  I wanted to die.

My husband left the night I told him I wanted a divorce, and went right to my sister’s house.  He returned to get more things later in the evening, and had a contract for me to sign.  It stated he was leaving because I was crazy and he couldn’t stand living under these conditions any more, and that it should in no way be seen as him abandoning his son.  The witness?  My lovely sister.  She walked into my house, and thank God I was on the phone with my father, because if I wasn’t, I think she’d still be trying to recover from her injuries.  I told her 3 times to get out of my house.  She refused unless or until I signed the contract.  I laughed at their little pact and their contract, and got them out.  I read the contract to my father and he was very specific in saying “Don’t you dare sign anything.”  Then he got me a really good lawyer.

My ex has 2 more years to go before he has to begin making maintenance payments.  At one point I promised him I wouldn’t go after him for that, but my lawyer wouldn’t let him off without some kind of payment.  I’d been a stay at home mom for most of our time together, and she was determined that I get something.  I told him to just sign the papers and we could be done.  So, after everything he’s failed to do for my son, my son is owed that money, and I will be going after it.  And what’s even better is that there is a specific time line he has to pay it by.  Poor guy .  He’s now married to my best friend and they have 2 small boys together.  He’s drinking like a fish and has a big beer belly.  My son says that on the days he has gone over to visit his father, both his father and his step mother have been violent to all the kids (baby’s mind you) to toughen them up.  This disgusts my son and me as well.  But it’s their life now.  It’s called Karma, but it’s pronounced HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.  I would have done anything for that man, and he knows it.  Now he’s stuck.  He has confessed on a couple of occasions how unhappy he is, but again…this is his test.  I can’t go giving him the answers; nor do I even have the desire.

Now, the on-line man?  Oh, the empty promises he made were priceless.  You see, he wasn’t wealthy at all.  It’s his parents (whom he’s still living with at 47 years of age) who are wealthy.  He moved here and lasted a week.  I discovered real quick that I made a huge mistake and went over to my mom’s to confide in her.  It happened to be my birthday weekend and he wanted to take us all out to dinner (his mother was sending him $2,000 a week to ensure his survival).  Knowing full well I have anxiety issues and don’t like to leave my house, I suck it up and just go out and do it.  Doesn’t this little freaking diva pitch a fit over pasta sauce?!  Making a scene in the whole restaurant.  I was mortified.  I was depressed.  I was stuck.  I made a huge mistake and I didn’t know how I was going to fix it.  My doctor prescribed a very low dose of Depakote which I had a severe allergic reaction to.  While I was out of it, he packed his things and moved back home with his parents.  Opposite coasts, but still not far enough away.  And this is where the stalking begins…  But, I’ve got to run, so I’ll write about him later.  Oh, he’s a peach!  Can’t wait <again, sarcasm>.

 

Until next time,

~Crazy No More smile

 

awareness

 

Advertisements

2 Comments

  1. My lovely Dad has given me lots of great advice over my 36 years. One piece of advice might be fitting for your son regarding his father: You have to love your parents (it’s just instinctual), but you don’t have to like them. (You don’t have to agree with what they do or say, but they are your parents, and the love is just in your blood, whether you like it or not! but no one said you have to like them.)

    Like

    • My son says he hates his father. I try to discourage this very time he says it; for if it wasn’t for his father, he wouldn’t be here. I said he could hate the things his father says and does, but can’t hate his father. The violence is all he knows and only human. I also think he’s that young where he’s confusing hate with hurt. But thank you. I’ll tell him that the next time the opportunity arises.

      Like

The world as I know it can be unkind, therefore ALL comments have to be moderated. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s